It’s been awhile...and a few more things...

Wow! It’s been a few years since I’ve posted anything, so let me give you a brief update. I continue to visit the doctor and try new medications yearly. It’s as though I’ve  become immune to them after so many years of them being in my system. I will continue to stay positive and not let this disorder get the best of me. After many prayers and being patient with God’s timing, I currently work in a private Christian school. The atmosphere is completely different and in ways therapeutic. My passion is teaching, and I enjoy being able to share my struggles and growth with teachers of the Lord and watch my sweet students grow academically and spiritually. I believe going back to work and keeping a strict schedule  enables me to keep my mind occupied and not so depressed. However, on the flip side, now that I am working I don’t sleep very well. My mind is constantly thinking through the night about the next day, and I cannot relax and focus in the way that I need to in order to stay healthy. I feel like the older I get the more I struggle with my disorder, yet keeping a job where I can be creative and work in a place where each day is a new day, I am not bored but find joy in my heart working with children.   Unfortunately, my migraines and fibromyalgia also keep me from having many good days. I am constantly trying new medicines and techniques to keep these under control including Botox, shots, medication, meditation, music therapy, faith, and reiki in order to relax my body. For the most part, some of these new techniques are helping me in different ways. My goal is to find something that can at least keep me stable and positive. I will always have those bad days, but I know after the crash, I can regain control of my life again. I’m blessed to have family, friends, co-workers and a job that support me even on my worst days. Now that my children are older, they seem more compassionate about my issues. I always make the effort not to miss any important event in their lives, no matter how I feel. I want them to know that they are loved even though I may be sick. That is my priority right now, along with keeping myself healthy. So, that’s where I am in my journey thus far. I can only hope that through my testimony, I can encourage other moms and keep them positive. No matter what, you are strong, beautiful and loved.

Mental health awareness is a very difficult topic to share sometimes.  You feel judged by others or insensitivity towards your emotions and actions.  I have a nephew who struggles with his mental health as well.  It is important to understand that although you cannot physically see the disability, it does not mean it's non-existent.  He continues to struggle with this daily in school, sports, and at home.  Everyday is a new day, but it may not be an easy one.  So, if you see a mom struggling with her child, be aware that it might not necessarily be a behavior issue.  DO not try to give inappropriate advice.  DO not try to yell at the mother.  DO not stare at them and shake your head like they are crazy.  However, offer support and see if she needs help.  Say a private prayer. If not, WALK AWAY.  It is not at all easy for a parent to completely control a child who is having a meltdown.  It's exhausting, embarrassing, and a feeling of helplessness.  Do you ever think that mother goes home and cries praying her child will be stable and happy one day?  Until then, she can only be an advocate and do everything she can to protect his/her health and safety. You never know what someone is going through....be conscious and sensitive to that.

Winter blues

The lack of sunlight. The cold weather. The winter season always provokes anxiety and depression of doom and gloom. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy some snow and winter clothes, but every year I hit the blues and it's hard to come out of it. It's hard to get up each day when I don't have insomnia. I'm not motivated to exercise,but instead to binge eat in the middle of the night. I do enjoy picking up a good book, but the only problem is that I can't put them down until I finish. A good cup of coffee, some Spark or adderol keeps me going throughout the day when I'm not working. When I do work seeing those little smiling faces and hearing their sweet voices keeps my brain temporarily occupied. When I don't have racing thoughts, music helps to drown out the noise. I'm always searching for new ways to occupy myself, which usually turn into expensive hobbies or unnecessary shopping trips. I have to accept that there are days that will be bad and I know I always make it through. There is a light. But until then, I will snuggle up in my favorite blanket and read some more.

Fall and Grandma

My favorite season is coming! Fall.  Leaves. Cool nights. Halloween. Pumpkin spice everything. Trips to the mountains.  I can usually smell it's arrival in early October.  Smells in the air make me nostalgic about important events in my life - good or bad.  One of my favorite memories is going to my grandparent's house for apple pie.  Grandma makes the best pie I've ever tasted.  Just sweet enough to make you feel warm and cozy.  Their house is filled with beautiful trinkets, glass crystal and pictures of family.  Their home brings back so many amazing memories.  The belly busting laughter at the dinner table, usually at the expense of my grandfather, makes my stomach ache each time we leave.  As the years progress, it is getting more difficult for grandma to stand in the kitchen on her tired feet to make the pies.  It's not necessarily the taste of the pie that makes it so memorable, but how she makes it.  I love watching as she cuts a heart out of the dough and places it in the middle of the pie.  It's so that we remember she made it with love as she says.  Standing with her just tugs at my heart strings.  She may be tiny, but her heart and head are strong.  She has the softest hands you could ever imagine.  I could hold them for days.  I love how she takes the time to whisper her favorite things about you as you are ready to leave the house.  Each grandchild and great-grandchild is her "favorite."  However, I know that being the only granddaughter makes me very special to her.  She loved me from the first time our eyes met.  I can never express my love for her worthy enough for paper.  She makes my sad days turn into some of the best days of my life.  As we drive away from their house, I see my grandparents standing and waving from the glass door.  Family traditions - nothing compares.  I will always see her in that doorway blowing kisses and me feeling like I'm her little girl again.  Fall is a wonderful season that brings joy to my heart along with the memories to last a lifetime.

I wrote this after my grandmother passed away.  It's a sadness that I cannot express. Her heartstrings will forever be connected to mine.  I feel her presence and talk to her a lot.  I know she's watching and holding my hand when times are hard.

The couch is ok

Yes, the season is changing and so are my moods.  Who turns down an opportunity to go clothes shopping? Me.  We only made it about 2 miles down the road before the tears started, and we had to turn around.  For the past few days I've been in a sort of emotional coma.  Between a two-day migraine and returning sadness, I thought today I was making progress.  I was up early, got the kids off to school, showered and even curled my hair.  All for what?  The couch.  My little sidekick Pepper hasn't left my lap all day.  I know my dogs sense my depression.  I should be happy about our cruise in a few weeks, but those irritating pounds crept back into my life and onto my scale, which doesn't add to my fantastic mood.  So many things could be completely worse right now and I understand that.  When these chemicals in my brain become unbalanced it doesn't matter.  I could've inherited a million dollars and I'd still be sitting here.  "Cheer up!" people say.  "Get over it!"  You don't want to know what I would say to that.  Don't you think I would if I could??  I'm trying… for now, it's the couch, my black-haired companions and a few tears.
3:00 - smile - go

Grieving a loved one

Recently, I wrote this article about the passing of my beloved grandfather/ Pop.  It will be published in Grief Digest, but just in case you don't read this (haha) I am putting it up on my blog.


His Bird

Head on the soft, dewy grass.  Tick-Tock.  Legs tucked in to my chest.  Tick-Tock.  Hands folded beneath my cheek.  Tick-Tock.  The sun shines light on the golden Timex creating a blinding glow, so I close my eyes.  Tick-Tock. 

For 39 years he called me his bird.  With my blue eyes as wide as saucers and a little pointy nose, I followed his every step through the hallways.  His enormous key chain jingled on the hoop of his navy pants.  Being a building superintendent was his second job.  If a faucet was leaky, he would show up with a wrench.  If a lock was broken, it was replaced with a brand new one.  If a mouse appeared, traps were set.  There was never a dull moment.  Yet, out of all the adventures we pursued, my favorite was the trip to the mysterious basement.

“Please, please, please!!! Can I come down there with you? Please!” I cried.

“How can I resist those eyes?” he asked. “I need to check a few things.

As I skipped into the elevator, I grabbed his hand.  Tick-Tock.  Beneath the hair and grease, I noticed the gleam of metal against his olive skin.  Quickly, I jabbed my thumb on the B button.  With each creak and moan of the aged contraption, my stomach was filled with horrific excitement. When we stopped and the door opened, I grabbed his leg, and we stepped into complete darkness.  Reaching over his head, I heard the tinkle of a chain and click the single light bulb illuminated the entire area.

While he went into the boiler room, I began to explore.  On the right side of the wall stood two massive white machines.  Moving closer, I realized they were the community washer and dryer.  Looking toward the left, I noticed my baby crib and an oversized chair surrounded by boxes.  I walked closer and peered inside of it.  Among the yellow sheets and old blankets, I spotted one of my baby toys.  It was an orange, stuffed owl.  I wound it up, and it twinkled with sweet music that bounced around the basement walls.  It was time to go.  I tucked the owl under my arm, walked into the elevator smiling up at his unshaven face and he smiled right back.  Tick-Tock.

I opened my wet eyes.  As I wiped away the tears, I noticed the hot sun had shifted directly over me.  Tick-Tock.  Sitting up, I leaned against the cold, hard stone.  Tick-tock.  Shaking my wrist, the over-sized watch slid down hitting the palm of my hand.  Once again, I closed my eyes.  Tick-Tock.

“Julie, can you grab that basket behind the lawn chair?” he asked.

I walked over to the brown basket, and as I leaned over to pick it up, droplets of sweat from my forehead hit the pavement.  Puerto Rico was extremely hot in July.  But I didn’t care.  The garden behind his house was amazing.  Not a very tall man, he had to use a ladder to grab the bananas from underneath the leaves.  While I found some relief from the heat underneath the large palms of the tree, I handed him the basket.  I watched with admiration as he selected the perfect fruit. 

“Graçias mija,” he said.

Next, we strolled around the yard and picked up some breadfruit that had fallen from another set of trees. 

“These will taste good with the tostones for later,” he said.  “Why don’t you check the avocado plant in the corner?” he asked.

Lifting the leaves of the plant, I found a large, green avocado hanging heavily on the branch.  I picked it and brought it over to the basket.

“This will have to sit for a few days before it’s ready to eat,” he explained.

I smiled.

“Don’t worry.  We will be here for an entire week,” I said.

He hugged me and I felt warm and loved.

That night as I lay in bed listening to the coqui frogs chirping outside my window and feeling a warm breeze float through the curtains, I thought about arriving to his house and hearing him call out my name with such joy, you would think we were meeting for the first time.   I enjoyed spending time with him.  I loved listening to his familiar stories about the army and watching his eyes light up with excitement.  Feeling special in every moment we shared, lingers in my heart.  Tick-Tock

I opened my eyes.  As I dabbed a tissue on my cheeks, I was relieved to see the sun had settled behind some trees in the distance.  Tick-Tock.  Now facing the stone, my fingers shakily traced the letters boldly engraved on the front.  Sitting on my knees with my hands holding the stone, I dropped my head and closed my eyes again.  Tick-Tock.

He stood proud at each graduation and birthday celebration. We danced at my wedding.  He visited new homes we purchased.  He held each of my girls after they were born.  He attended holiday gatherings and family meals.  His 98 year old body was tired. I will always cherish Hearing “I love you” for the last time as he lay in his bed.  Tick-Tock.

I remember watching as every corner was folded and each crease was smoothed when the flag was handed over.  Silence.  I saw them carry him away.  I clenched his watch in my hand. Tick-Tock

I opened my eyes once more and sat up straight and tall. The headstone read, Celso Rivera.  He was my grandfather, and I will always be his bird.

Light Therapy

After years of hearing about it from my doctors, I finally bought a light box.  Along with my bipolar comes seasonal affective disorder.  This means that when the seasons change I usually plunge into a depression, and sure enough, that is what happened about a month ago.  So, my doctor recommended a light box.  After a lot of research, I selected one that seemed right for me.  It came in the mail yesterday, and I am surprised to say it is much larger than I thought it would be.  That's my fault for not looking at the dimensions.  It's about the size of a large computer monitor screen!  It provides 10,000 LUX of natural spectrum light minus the harmful UV rays. As I sit here typing, it is propped up on the chair facing me.  You don't look directly into the light unless you want to be blind for a day.  You sit with it for about 30 minutes while you drink coffee, check emails, etc.  I am excited to see if it improves my mood, sleep patterns and energy level as stated by the manufacturer and my doctor.  Why not?  I've tried everything else.  As long as it doesn't trigger a migraine, this could work. The only negative appears to be that it might not be conducive to traveling since it's huge.  I will keep you updated....

Meds and motivation

One of those mornings...bury my head in my pillow and refuse to wake up.  Of course, with three kids that's not an option.  I continue to wonder if maybe my meds make me drowsy in the morning.  If I take them too early in the evening, I am wide awake at 5am!  I'm trying to figure out the perfect time. Experimenting with medication has been an ongoing thing for years.  I've tried almost every antidepressant out there to the point where I believe I became immune to taking them.  I would feel no positive effect.  Unfortunately, with only an antidepressant I would either spiral into greater depression or a small phase of mania.  I've had the same experience with mood stabilizers.  There are many out there that can have me sleeping for two straight days.  I don't want to be in a coma.  When I found Lamictal it was instantly a perfect fit for me.  Matched with a newer drug called Latuda, I feel that I am on a normal level of existence.  I may not be as happy as I would like to be, but I will take semi-normal for now.  There have been many times where I thought that I felt well enough to be off of medication, so I would stop taking them completely.  Big mistake.  No matter how much praying, acupuncture, therapy, or exercise I committed myself to, happiness didn't miraculously appear and I would crash.  I understand that there are times when I have a little cry and then pep talk myself into completing the next activity.  Some days it's a chore to get in the shower and run to the grocery store.  Oftentimes, I've talked myself out of going to the gym or getting together with a friend.  Sadly, when I need a friend the most, they just don't completely understand. Those who are close to me know not to take it personally and will either leave me be for awhile or pursue me to get out of the house until I agree.  Usually when I do get outside my mood will shift for the better.  It's just the thought of doing it. Pushing myself out the door as I write this.  I have a lot of running around to do and I can't put it off any longer.  Here I go.