Small Stress

For me, when I have the littlest amount of stress, I tend to be dramatic, overly sensitive, and extremely analytical of the situation.  For example, today I am going to my daughter's classroom to assist the teacher during literacy time. (Being room mom brings out other anxiety that I won't discuss. ha!)  This will be the first time that I will be in a classroom to help for more than just a few minutes during a class party.  As I dropped off an ecstatic Bella to school, my stress had reached its limit.  Driving away, the tears flooded as if it was the first day of school and I was watching her skip off to Kindergarten. These tears came from a different part of me.  The teacher inside began to appear.  The teacher who was passionate about her job and would do anything for her students.  Whether it was using my best Skippyjon Jones voice to read a book aloud, or showing 2nd graders how to use onomatopoeia in their writing, I missed it.  But after 12 years of joyful teaching, something stirred inside of me.  Slowly the anxiety began to creep in.  Maybe it was the new meds or the fact that I wasn't sleeping, but I was consumed with fear.  It wouldn't be fair to my students if I couldn't give them 100%.  So, that year I made the hardest decision to leave teaching and stay at home to focus on my health and the girls.  Every fall when school starts I become depressed.  I miss setting up my classroom and meeting new faces at my door on the first day of school.  I deeply miss my co-workers and feel like I let them down. I miss people calling me Mrs. Souther or accidentally, mommy. I began to feel that I lost my purpose in life and became angry with God.  No matter how much I prayed, I felt as though he wasn't listening and wouldn't take away my pain.  After all is said and done, I truly feel that my purpose for staying home is to watch my children blossom and be there for all of their important events.  I know a door will open up somewhere as my life continues.  So after all of this rambling, (my brain never shuts up) I'm worried about going to Bella's classroom today.  I don't want to be overwhelmed with anxiety.  I just want to be in the moment and enjoy the wonderful opportunity I've been given to help her teacher.  So after three years, I will be back in a classroom as a parent, not a teacher.  I will hold in the tears and let someone else be in control.